How to Dress Right

My admirer acquaintance Lust is active us to a academic gala. We are all dressed up and searching acceptable for already – and I apprehend this mosquito active about my head.
Now, I just accomplished gluing calm my crew with hairspray, and I apperceive this mosquito is either traveling to get ashore in there and I’ll accept to abrasion it all black like a hair accessory, or it’ll chaw me and I’ll accept a big zit-like bang on my forehead – additional I will appear down with West Nile virus afterward.
So I yield off my shoe and beat it. At the exact aforementioned time, Lust lowers the window to draft it away.
I bandy my shoe out the window.
We bark to a stop and U-turn – acknowledge God we’re on a artery Uptown and not the Interstate – and I hop out on one bottom just in time to see a mini-van cycle over my shoe. My sparkly high-heeled sandal is now a sparkly splat in the asphalt. And I alone got one shoe.

It figures. That is what my activity has been like lately. I ain’t complaining, though. We got a little bit of blow division left, and I don’t wish to get on God’s nerves.
I am just adage ... A brace months ago, my best acquaintance Awlette begin the prince of her dreams and he proposed and she said “yes,” and I’m so excited, I run appropriate out to attending for a accouterments to abrasion to the wedding.
And I begin one.
It is what I alarm a hundred-year dress – one you acquisition already in 100 years – that’s the absolute color, clings in all the appropriate places and shows just abundant leg and just abundant break (with little advice from my amazing bra). And the bolt swishes about my legs like I was Cinderella. I spent $200 on it, but my best acquaintance don’t get affiliated all the time. Alone three times, so far.
And afresh she decides to accept a luau wedding.
Used to be, weddings went by assertive rules. White dress. (Maybe cream, if the helpmate wasn’t absolutely authentic as the apprenticed ...) Church.
Unless you eloped and afresh the two of you went to Las Vegas and got affiliated by Elvis. But no, now you got to accept a destination and a theme. As if ’til-death-do-you-part ain’t affair enough.
Awlette couldn’t allow a destination no further abroad than the bank at Biloxi, and the alone affair she could anticipate of to go with that was luau. How about Viagra, I say. As a theme, I mean. She and the benedict could sit in analogous bathtubs on the bank and authority easily like on that commercial. I bet if she wrote to the company, Viagra would even aces up allotment of the tab. But no, that’s not aristocratic abundant for her. Guests in grass skirts and coconut-shell bras – now that’s dignified.
I don’t accept the money for addition accouterments for this wedding. I am so atrocious I’m accessible to cede one of my earlier Zulu coconuts and accomplish a coconut-shell bra. But that turns out not to be necessary. My mother-in-law, Ms. Larda, makes muumuus professionally for Uptown ladies who wish to beard their debris cans, and she redesigned one into a adapted full-body sarong, I slapped on some artificial azaleas for a lei and that’s that. Acknowledge God, because I don’t apperceive area I would’ve got a grass brim and they apparently aren’t actual bashful anyway. What do you do for underwear with one of them things?
But that leaves me with my absolute dress and boilerplate to appearance it off. It is in abatement colors, so it wouldn’t attending appropriate at Christmas shindigs next month. I don’t accept abundant time left.
But my admirer acquaintance Lust despises bathrobe formal. He says a necktie squeezes his close if he turns his head. I acquaint him my “Belly-Banishing Power Panties” and “Shove-’em-up Bra” clasp a lot added than my neck, but that don’t win me no points.
Then I get an email allurement for chaperones for the Abatement Ball at Celibacy Academy, area my babe goes. Celibacy requires a assertive amount of “volunteer” hours from parents every year, and it counts bifold if you chaperone. It care to calculation times 20. I apperceive Lust wouldn’t do this at the point of a gun. I aswell apperceive he has an allurement to the anniversary New Orleans Biermeister’s Gala. So I bead a hint, absolute subtle. “Which will it be, Celibacy or the Biermeisters?”
Which is why we’re on our way to the Biermeisters; me with one shoe.
And naturally, Uptown is too lah-di-dah to accept a Payless shoe abundance handy. They apparently wouldn’t advertise me just one shoe, anyway.
So we beat by my sister-in-law Gloriosa’s. Gloriosa has a shoe accumulating like Imelda Marcos, but she aswell got tiny anxiety and none of her shoes fit me. I feel like Cinderella’s animal stepsister. Afresh she gets an idea. She bandages up my bottom like I had an accident. So I bending into the bright with one top heel and one bandage. I even ball with Lust a few times, and everybody tells me how adventurous I am.
I get to see my dress again, if Lust gets the cartage admission in the mail. It turns out we chock-full in foreground of one of them cartage cameras, which got photos of us littering with a shoe; endlessly illegally in the average of the street; U-tuning illegally and me bent out.
The camera was army on a post, so the pictures are from above, and the one of me accentuates the break I usually don’t have.
It is now my Facebook picture. Dress: $200; ticket: $200. Account of me with cleavage: You amount it out.